I`ve been in this country for over 17 years and in that time I`ve had many experiences and setbacks. The biggest one being that I don`t speak Japanese. I have studied it on and off for over 20 years but after achieving a comfortable level I have let it go. I am sitting here at my computer wondering what happened to the dreams I had when I first came here? Where has everything gone?
When I first arrived in 2001 I wanted to explore everything. I arrived in July that year and I still remember taking the train from Kansai airport. Some high school girls took my picture when they found out I was new to this country. It wasn`t the last time someone took my picture but it has stuck with me for many years. When I arrived at my place I crashed then met my roommates later that evening. One was from Australia, the other from New Zealand. That first month I went to Nara city for Obon, saw the Daibutsu, watched the fireworks in Tondayabashi. It was a wonderful time.
After six months here I had visited many places in Kansai, gone to Kyoto, Osaka, Hyogo and even Tokyo. I had started studying Japanese and even made my first big mistake. While trying to flirt with a girl I used the word Kawaiiso which has the stem kawaii - which means cute- and the suffix `so` - which means `looks like`. I said to her `anata wa kawaiiso` which I thought meant `You look cute.` However which really means `I pity you.` I didn`t know the `kawaiiso` has a special meaning of pitiful.
I still grew and changed as I became more outgoing, made friends and had more adventures. Tried the Japanese language test and passed. My second year I moved into my own place and deepened my studies of Japanese. I was going to about 4 different classes a week. I even went to Cambodia by myself. However soon after that I also stopped having adventures and moved into a living in the country phase which is where I`ve been for the last 16 years. I still have the odd adventure but there is no reason to explore that temple. I`ve seen many just like it. I still go out, but usually to the supermarket to get the best deals. I still read manga, but mostly online English translations because they are cheaper. I never really watched TV before but now I know many of the talent`s names.
I will say getting married was in some ways the best and the worst thing to happen to me. The best because it`s given me a beautiful daughter and a wonderful (albeit sometimes angry wife). It`s also let me experience the small details of this country. However it`s also stopped me from doing anything adventurous because I don`t have the money. I have been working as an English teacher but that is not a huge money making job. I have tried to find something else but I know from working as a teacher that I didn`t actually like teaching in a school so I haven`t tried that hard. I`ve also published a book but I know my mother has read it. I don`t think anyone else has.
So I`m stuck. I have achieved my dreams and have been living the nice life for many years but I have no future. Where do I go from here?
My first step is to write this journal. I`ve tried writing a blog and posted things but I can never keep it up. I couldn`t think of interesting things to fill up the page. I tried writing book reviews and I may still do that but I don`t read to write a review. I need something to show I am moving forward even if it`s just a few paces at a time. I need something the show I am still trying to improve myself and achieve a better life. Even if it`s not very exciting.
Here I am. Warts and all. I will try and write about things that come to me, general observations about Japan, my Japanese language journey, tips on teaching English. Basically, an online journal. Hopefully it moves me out of my funk and gets me engaged once more in the world rather than just existing.
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